The Fitness Buff
Known for their sleek, Lycra-clad bodies, these predators are easy to find at the vegetable stand, butcher counter, or juice bar when not taking gym selfies. Waxed to a sheen, the female of the species can be found in yoga leggings and crop tops morning and night, abs permanently on display. Males are adorned with bits of fabric held together by strings at the shoulders, showing more cleavage than a beauty pageant contestant. For both, be warned that you will see nipples poking through cloth or exposed entirely. Known as animal lovers when not dating, they can often be seen posing with their dogs on Instagram. Not the friendliest to approach because they're often pursued only for their bodies; also, they tend to look down on those who aren’t dedicated to Thor-like awesomeness. Other than detailed stats on what they're eating that day and their gym routines, conversation is kept to a minimum.
Locations: Hollywood, West Hollywood (mostly same-sex appeal), the Valleys and, of course, Venice Beach.
Mating rituals: “Me, Tarzan. You, Jane [or The Rock].”
First date: A grueling two-hour workout.
Wind them up and they keep throwing the zingers at you, especially in a group setting. Attractive and put-together, these mammals are always smiling, hiding deep insecurities and traumatic life experiences. When solo, they are deep thinkers and are perpetually ruminating on their next joke. As they are continuous performers, it can take effort to get them to settle into a deep conversation. But when they do, they inspire with observant barbs. Handle with care: These sensitive types are also overdoers in life and can spout off a multitude of jokes while hiding a multitude of issues. Their best friends tend to have degrees in psychology.
Locations: Santa Monica, San Fernando Valley and East Los Angeles — they like extremes.
Mating rituals: “Was I funny?”
First date: Doing a couple of minutes at Laugh Factory.
The Industry Executive
Always looking busy with smartphone in hand — but, in truth, trolling tweets — these oft-seen creatures are the most fashionable of the bunch. For them, it’s a must to expose a label (much like the Fitness Buff is with the nipple) whether on a shoe, bag or sunglasses. There are two types of circles in which you'll find the IE: the inner and the outer. The inner is in the center of the action. This is where you'll find those who work with the above-the-line talent, such as agents, publicists, managers and producers. Constantly on the hustle to be known as someone, they fan their feathers hoping to be noticed. The outer circle encompasses all other entertainment executives who can’t get close to the A-list talent. Kept at arm's length by the inner circle, they are often seen scratching and clawing their way through the doors. Posting on social media with any A-to-D-list star is their hallmark.
Locations: Near any studio offices. Culver City, Burbank, Beverly Hills.
Mating rituals: Like normal folks, are kind and generous during the courtship. As time wears on, their needs and their projects take precedence. “Don’t you know I’m working on a movie?”
First date: Any one of the great Italian eateries. Let them choose the wine, because they know everything.
Frequently spotted milling around outside any of Tinseltown’s 12-step meetings, this gentle group of beasts, often seen vaping, are a little too smart for their own good. Having already been through life’s ringer on a self-destructive path, they have seen and done it all. From drugs to drinking, sex to gambling, they can tell stories that amaze and exhaust just about anyone. Still doing too much to excess, bingeing for them is a way of life. They can eat an entire cake, then run a marathon on the treadmill the next day. Their idea of a great time is spending the whole weekend streaming a series such as Stranger Things or Homeland.
Locations: Malibu, Orange County, Palm Springs, even San Francisco with frequent trips to Los Angeles. They needed to get away from their past.
Mating rituals: Self-effacing and ready to assist anyone with their needs.
First date: “I really want to do whatever you want to do — but 20 times.”
Examples of the wannabes are found in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard dressed up as your favorite costume characters. They parade as Batman, Supergirl or even Scooby-Doo, ready to pose with your family for a tip. Like Paris Hilton, they buy billboards honoring themselves along the Sunset Strip and seek out industry invitations in the hopes of being discovered. They circle around and around like moons, never getting the respect they crave, often becoming caricatures. Once they finally give up the drugs and alcohol, they morph into bingers and become loving but quirky beings.
Locations: Universal Citywalk, Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm or Hollywood Boulevard.
Mating rituals: “I know you're looking at me. Are you looking at me?”
First date: Due to the lack of a steady income, it’s a romantic drive along Mulholland with a stop at a fast-food drive-thru.
The Boldface Names
Getting entangled with an entertainment personality is the basis of The Real Housewives of [insert city]. Dating them is difficult and causes more drama than a Taylor and Katy feud. Since they're gone for long periods while filming a movie, cavorting about on tour or living in Vancouver while shooting a series, it’s hard to maintain a long-term relationship. Often their costars are upsettingly pretty, so one’s own anxieties become a tsunami of “Am I good enough?” One must have a Kanye or Mariah personality to keep up with the sycophants emboldening themselves in front of your potential love. It’s best to move out of Hollywood and keep your sanity.
Locations: Beverly Hills, Calabasas, Malibu and Hollywood Hills, with regular forays into South Beach.
Mating rituals: Sending over their assistant or publicist to ask for a date.
First date: They always get what they want, so be prepared. There probably isn’t going to be a second one.